


An Apple a Day Keeps the Asshole Away

by Vivalavidapasta



Category: Undertale
Genre: :0, Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Coffee Shop, Comedy, Eventual Smut, F/M, Handholding, Implied Stalking, Reader Is Not Chara (Undertale), Reader Is Not Frisk (Undertale), Sans (Undertale) Being an Asshole, Sans acting like a mom, Swapfell Papyrus (Undertale), Swapfell Sans (Undertale), Zoomba, aquarium, rude customers, sand is creepy, thr art of seduction.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:21:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23339071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivalavidapasta/pseuds/Vivalavidapasta
Summary: THE MOST AMAZING ROMANITC STORY EVER, HUMAN ROMCOMS DONT HAVE SHIT ON THIS!!!
Relationships: Sans/Reader
Comments: 52
Kudos: 225





	1. have to smack a bitch today

Honestly it was your fault for wearing your art apron over a black shirt while shopping at wholefoods for your mom. 

You were looking around the fresh produce area, needing some apples to feed your glorious mealworms. Oddly, it seems like everyone fucking bought most of the apples, all except- gasp, one! 

You speed walk over, being sure that your shades don’t fly off. Reaching out, you grab the last Apple- along with another asshole. 

You turn to see a skeleton dressed in the fucking nines in the royal guard uniform. Scars slashed through one of his bright eyes as he stared at you with the intensity of a snake. He grinned like a shark before cocking his head slightly to the side.

“Excuse me but I would like to purchase this Apple. Please remove your hand from it Ma’am.” 

You stare at him, eyebrows furrowed barely visible from the shades. 

“Um, I need the Apple t-“

“I don’t care what employees do to the produce during night shifts but really, please remove your lazy germ laden hand off the Apple Ma’am.”

You squint at him.

“Wait, I’m not an employ-“

Apparently that sets him off, a sickening CRACK as his skull twists to look at you head on like a predator, looking you up and down like he’s actively assessing how much of a threat you are. 

“Look here you puss festering anus wipe, I’m going to leave here with an apple whether or not your CESS COVERED HAND IS ATTACHED TO IT STILL. NOW YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS BEFORE I FUCKING GET YOUR MANAGER AND SUE YOUR ASS SIDEWAYS INTO 2050, SHIT NUGGET BITCH ASS.” 

You can’t do anything but just.... stare.......

Pffffffffffffft hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

YOU’RE REELING! YOU’RE WHEEZINF! 

You laugh so hard you’re cackling like the joker on meth. His piranha bitch face actually breaks with how confused he’s looking at you. Did he expect you to just projectile shit and give in? Fuck him. 

You yank the Apple from him and throw it at him. It BONKs off his skull and into his gucci bag. You grin almost as hard as he can, bowing slightly before standing back up and flipping him the bird. 

With that you just walk off with a smile.

Little did you know what you’ve started.


	2. STARBUCK’D

Mya  
You wish that was the last time you saw him but no. Apparently, he’s a very well known figure amongst the monster community being the former royal guard and all. Maybe that’s why you see him EVERYWHERE. 

You lowkey felt like he was stalking you to be honest. But it’s only been like a week and you’re pretty sure no one starts stalking the first day of meeting someone.... right? 

Well you thought so at first. 

You were in Starbucks, getting your regular frappaccino before sitting down on one of its cozy, artistic couches when HE enters. 

This time, in a different outfit? It’s a dress shirt with belted jeans and cursed high heel boots. He goes up to the counter and loudly asks “WHAT IS THE MOST HEALTHY OPTION OF YOUR MENU?” 

You were content with ignoring him but before you knew it, there was a skeleton sitting right in front of you with a matcha pineapple drink in front of you. He slurped it through his metal custom straw before smacking his teeth and sighing. 

“Ahh. Are you going to drink that with a plastic straw? No no no, you must save the sea turtles and drink with metal.”

You almost squished the plastic cup in half but somehow kept your rage levels down. You just sat there and sipped, pretending to not notice him. He’s not there, he’s just a figment of your dehydrated, sugar up’d imagination. 

That is, until he speaks again. 

“LOOK. I KNOW THAT WE STARTED UP ON THE- THe wrong side of the foot here but I’ve come to tell you that... that we should start again! Here, I’ll start! Cough! Ahem,” 

He said cough into his forearm without actually coughing- 

“HUMAN! HELLO! I AM THE MALEVOLENT SANS! BUT OTHER HUMANS CALL ME BLACK! OR, RAZZ, OR... WINE??.... or sarah- ANYWAY, I WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE THIS APPLE FROM YOUR STORE SO I CAN MAKE A SCRUMPTIOUS APPLE PIE FOR A SOCIAL GATHERING THIS EVENING!”

Okay. Now you’re feeling like a douche a bit. He just wanted to make pie. You wanted to feed worms. You decide to humor him.

“Um, yes. I am sorry for grabbing this Apple before you? I was going to feed my pets with it. Also, I’m sadly not an employee at this store but a lowly customer who had a poor choice of wardrobe. Anyway, how can I repay you for... gently tossing the Apple at you?” 

His eyesockets widened, somehow, and he almost looked like he brightened up. 

“WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME TOMORROW, which is Saturday, TO THE AQUARIUM TO LOOK AT THE SEA TURTLES YOU FAIL TO SAVE? AND OTHER AQUATIC CREATURES AS WELL?” 

A date to the aquarium.......

“Why the hell not?” You shrugged. He grinned sinisterly.

“Yes. Why. The hell. Not?” 

You might have made a mistake.


	3. UNDER THE SEA

Like you said you would, you met him up at the front of the aquarium entrance. He came wearing a black turtleneck sweater, jeans, a scarf that wrapped around his shoulders and.... sunglasses. 

“Why do you need sunglasses? We’re going to be indoors 90% of the time. In the dark.” 

He looked to the left and then the right, as if paparazzi would just eject out of the bushes and take his pictures at any moment, before leaning towards you and pulling down his sunglasses. 

“Between you and me, I can’t let anyone know that I am here. The girls- I mean, the guys would freak out if they heard I was galavanting with the local hippies.” 

Your face scrunched up but then relaxed. You should be getting used to his weird social status complex. Besides, who’s the guys??? Maybe they are macho men who scoff at anything “sissy” and captian of the guard here has to act macho. He clearly has a touch with his feminine side, you’ll give him that. 

“Alright, whatever. Let’s go in, I’ll pay for my ow-“

“Oh no no no! I shall pay for this excursion. You’re my guest, you will be treated as such!”

You sigh, says the one who can’t be seen with you. 

You two enter and go through the routine, him paying the toll, the two of you strolling in and looking at the sign. 

“Oooo, lets go to that place where you can stick your hands in and touch shit!” 

“Hm. Alright.”

By the time you got there, you had to ignore the amount of children harassing the poor ocean life and go to a more quiet side. You rolled up your sleeves while Sans followed suit, taking off his gloves too. There seemed to be a faint marking on it but you couldn’t see it once it was in the water. 

You and Sans idly poked and prodded and probed and petted all the little creatures in the pond. 

“So..... what’s your hobbies?”

Your hobbies, huh? Well, 

“Uh, I like to... I like to go to Starbucks.”

“That’s not a hobby, that’s a fixation.”

“Fine. Um, I like to.... write.” 

Fanfiction. 

“Ah, interesting. My brother also likes to write. What kind of literature do you publish?”

Oh god oh fuck.

“Uhh, romance?”

“Ah yes, I do like a good romantic book here and there. See, I’m an avid reader of all sorts of genres but I find Romance to be most... exhilarating. What was the plot of your latest book?”

AH SHIT AH FUCK.

“Uhhh, well, it’s about this biologist who uh gets stranded on an island and then is found by like these savage feral men and she got to survive and shit. It’s like, four to ten men, yeah uh. But like the volcano that’s on the island is going to blow up because there’s an imbalance on the island and so she has to go and throw- wait, I’m sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I?” 

You stupidly take a glance at him to see him staring at you. 

“No no! It’s great, I’m glad I get to see the more passionate side of you, Miss I only emote disapproval.”

To add to his point, you just sigh.

“See? Exactly. Anyway, I’m sure it’d be a wonderful read. Mind to share it?”

“Well I-“

You have no idea whether you’re fortunate or unfortunate at this moment. Maybe both because while it interrupts and protects you from telling how much trash you are, it’s also extremely embarrassing at its own right. 

As you two were talking, you didn’t notice your hands closing in on the same starfish until his hand was entwined with yours, like a lover. You watched as his skull grew red and yours as well but it was like a minute before either of you moved, too busy staring at each other in horror. 

Quickly you two broke the hand hold as if scolded by boiling water. Still blushing like schoolchildren, you two awkwardly walk to the next destination.


	4. Jellyfish feeling jam

Your last stop in the aquarium was the main ocean exhibit. Going past and analyzing the many small tanks with all sorts of creatures inside. You and Sans reached the giant ass tank with a fuck ton of fish. Like, a shit load. 

Staring up and watching them live, you can’t help but feel amazed a the beauty of nature. How the fish just live their lives here. And then you start pondering your own life. 

Stealing a glance to your right, you see that sans has a- has a bit of a red kinda glow on him. Is that normal? You look away and back to the fishes, mind racing over his face. And his life. 

During your two hour journey with him, you actually got to talk to the guy. He has a tall ass brother who doesn’t do shit unless it’s sex or sweets, he’s the former captain of the royal guard but still always trying to better himself, and he’s always had... a thing for humans. He coughed the last one into his sleeve but you caught it anyway. 

Moving on, you couldn’t help but notice that glow as you’re traveling through a dark part of the exhibit, labeled jellyfish corner. 

“Hey, uh, you like jellyfish?”

He scoffs, oddly. It’s an odd scoff, quite forced. 

“Please, they can’t even propel themselves efficiently to outmaneuver predators. And though their stinging makes up most of their protection, most are helpless when grabbed by the top.”

So, he doesn’t. He could have just said that. 

So why is it while you two are staring at a tank of them, beautiful white and graceful, do you see that glow go away? 

Why when his shades slightly droop down and you can glance at his eyes, are they stars? 

And why do you say...

“Hey. I like you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any ideas for dates or weird scenarios you want these two to go on, feel free to comment below!


	5. The Question

The ride home was awkward. Neither of you two even acknowledged your words until you were have way home. 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LIKE ME!?!?!?”

Ow, your ears. You sighed and shrugged, a bit of blush growing on your face. 

“I.... don’t hate you? That could be it.”

He turned to you, looking at you instead of the road. 

“So. What does that mean.”

“It means that I, me, myself, like you. Sans. Grape. Grape juice. Jazz-“

“RAZZ!”

“Razz. Sarah. Who calls you Sar-“

“I MEANT, what does this mean for u s?”

“What do you mean ‘us’? Is there even an us?”

He turned back to the road, correcting it after having been drifting to the wrong side and running over a frog that miraculously survived. 

“.... I’m asking, could the be an us?” 

You turn to him slowly as he says that, that glow back on his cheeks. All this time, was he..... blushing?

“...you wanna date me?”

The blush intensified. 

“Y-yes.”

Hmmm. Well, you dated people earlier than a few days of knowing them and with even lesser personality so.... 

“Maybe. Give me a week and then we’ll see. Okay?”

“.....Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s so short but I seperated this scene because it’s not as comedic as the rest of it so I wanted it to have its own chapter and- yeah-


	6. Day one

Day 1  
Waking up is almost a chore, you gotta do it and sadly you can’t have your sibling to do it for you cuz your fucking parents are assholes. Anyway, you start off your morning routine. Wake up. Shit. Eat. Die. However, today was... different. 

While eating a shitty omelette you whipped up, you were watching some vine compilations while picking up your filth. Dancing a bit, you noticed some colors out your window. Opening the window, you stick your head out... and guffaw. 

Right on your lawn was Sans. In the most 90s dancing outfit. Doing Zoomba. On your front lawn. You can hear the instructor going off “now a twist!” And he starts twisting. 

Okay you gotta admit, he moves good. Maybe it’s the way his clothes ripple with his movements or every so often you can see his juicy skele-ass. You pick up a tissue and wipe your forehead. 

Best thing to do is ignore him so you do. 

You hear his squawking and the destruction of the small DVD player he had bought. 

Later after death is your starbucks fix. You get your usual, ordering and sitting down. Before long, you’ve gotten a delicious frappe that you’re sipping while sitting on a custom tree carved seat before a table. You speed write as much as you can on your phone for the next chapter of your fanfic.

You’re so engrossed in it that you don’t even hear the screeching of the chair before you and the screaming and the loud metallic slurping noise til there’s a cough. 

“Ahem.”

You look up.

“Oh hey.”

“Finally! Anyway, you do realize that beverage you’re drinking is made of milk extracted from cows in uninhabitable dairy farms and your money is going to support those farms where they harm and unethically alter cows with hormones, yes?”

You stare at him. And take a loooooooong siiiiiiip. 

“Kay, what do you have?”

He seems to puff up at that and show you his drink.

“I am drinking a healthy fusion of kale, strawberries and coconut milk, all of which is non-gmo, vegan and unaltered, giving me the best blend of natural nutrients and deliciousness without added preservatives or flavoring.” He spouts condescendingly. 

You take another loooooong sip of your bad juice tm and smack your lips.

“Can I have a taste?”

He sputters like he didn’t expect you to before shoving the drink into your face.

“Wh-why yes! Of course! You should take the healthier alternative anyway!”

You take it and look at it more before licking your lips, really slobbering it, and then plop you’re soggy lips on the straw and sip. It tastes kinda alright but tastes better as he scowls at you.

“You’re SLOBBERING all over it! That’s not SANITARY AT ALL!”

He grabs it and yanks it out of your mouth with a pop. You grin and lick the drops off your chin.

“Well, human labor is intense, underpaid and downright abusive as they’re used to collect these ingredients in harsh environments. As well as deforestation that happens to create enough room to grow crops damage the local ecosystems. And coconuts kill humans more than sharks every year so by your logic, you support human genocide. And the unsanitary slurping?” 

You licked your lips and smirked.

“Just think of it as... an indirect kiss~” you purred. 

With that, you left Sans. His eyelights were eerily out, a bit creepy. But eh, he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.

What you don’t see is his face darken as he curls around his own tongue around the straw, tasting your saliva and feeling your indirect kiss. He shudders.


	7. Spare car insurance? Spare car insurance?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *slams into door* IM NOT DEAD, NAY JUST SLEEPING

Day 2  
Making your way downtown, you decide to head to your local grocery store. Jesus, the traffic is so goddamn bad right here. You can’t even cross the ro- 

The sound of shattering glass makes your head whip to the car beside you, your short, entitled suitor literally headbutting the driver seat window. 

“Hello Y/n~!”

Oh my god. 

Sarah- I mean, Sans is literally valley girl twiddle-waving at you. He’s wearing a dress and punches the rest of his window that was not shattered enough for him. 

“Oh, Um, hey Sans! Uhhhh, heavy storms in your tristate area?” You squint. Is he-is he mad at you? Is this some passive aggressive shit? 

“Oh, hahaha! So funny!!!!” He cackles like a banshee, daintily waving his hand at you. “Everyone knows that the next few days shall be above 70 today so be sure to put on sunscreen! Here, I have some for you!!!” 

A car honks behind him and you have half the mind to become roadkill as he climbs out halfway out of his car and gestures to you as one would a feral but soft cat. 

All he’s missing is the pspspspspss noises.

You sigh and come close enough for him to spurt some on his hand and then messily wipe it all over your face like a bad wood stain job. 

“Good now make sure to drink sharp water and suck on lemons!!!” With that, he drives off, hitting a fat pigeon on the way to the other street to where he parks. You sigh and go to walk away... but you look back to him.

You see nothing but a usual busy street, a few rascal kids and a posse of women squealing at each other.... You turn back and walk off.


	8. Get in loser we’re going shopping

Day 3  
You open your eyes to the sound of reggae. Yawning and rubbing your eyes, you sleepily get up and walk over to your window. Opening the blinds, you look down to see Sans wearing a sundress and doing interpretive dance to One Love by Bob Marley.

He does a twirl and a gazelle hop to the lyrics. “Let’s get together and feel alright” He looks up at you, does a bow and then kicks the boombox he set up like kickball.

The boombox and it’s many seperate pieces go flying and land right into his car. He too hops into it and rolls down the window, now with sunglasses on as he pops out his head. 

“GET IN LOSER, WE’RE GOING SHOPPING!!!” 

You yawn once more before walking into your room and throwing on some clothes you found on the floor. 

Stepping outside, you noted the wiring on your driveway as you enter his car. It’s very very clean, aside from the electronic corpse in the back. It smells new and your butt is getting warm as he pulls out and starts driving. 

“You’re gonna get me Starbucks for this. I want an unhealthy Frappuccino with an extra side of msg.” You semi-joked, buckling your seat belt. Sans scoffs.

“MSG isn’t even put into drinks!.... I think.....” he squints before turning into the nearest Starbucks drivethru.

“Hello, what would you like to order today?”

Sans pops his head out of the car. “YES HELLO ID LIKE A RASPBERRY SHAKE BUT WITH QUINOA MILK BASED PRODUCTS AND INSTEAD OF SUGAR, YOU USE MOLASSES. Oh, AND SPIRULINA!” 

“Yes ma’am....” you can hear the beeps and clicks as they somehow input that in. “Anything else?”

“I want a frap, Sans.” You tell him as he’s staring at the menu, narrowing his eyes. “A chocolate one.”

“ID ALSO WANT A CHOCOLATE FUDGE COOKIE CRUMBLE FRAPPUCCINO WITH EXTRA WHIP....” he looks at you with a glint in his eye. You can’t tell if it’s raging passion or raging rage. “.....AND A SIDE OF MSG.”

Everything is silent as you stare at him in both awe and growing horror....

“Um, Ma’am? We don’t sell MSG. In fact, we can’t.” 

Sans gives out a relieved sigh. “EXCELLENT. THAT SHALL BE ALL.” He says it like that was the worst thing he had to go through. 

The two of you get your drinks and then head out on the drive once more. You’re sipping away at the most sugary shit you ever tasted before noticing that this asshole has one hand on the wheel and the other on his drink.

“Careful, you’re gonna get us killed! Here, gimmie that.” You snatch his drink from him, resulting in him giving an undignified SQUAWK. He’s about to bitch but you make him put his hand back onto the wheel and take a sip of it yourself (because curiosity kills) and then plop it back into his mouth. 

Euych, what the fuck. You can taste the quinoa. AND the molasses. Gross. At least Sans is quiet again. 

You keep your hand up, acting as a cup holder for him as he much more gently sips at his drink. 

Eventually, the two of you reach- the mall???? You narrow your eyes at him as he parks. Taking his drink back, he releases you from your drink holding duties and slides off the straw with a pop. 

The two of you exit and Sans leads you towards the Mall. “Alright so, where the hell are we shopping???” You ask Sans, who comes out of the bathroom now wearing sunglasses, a pencil shirt and a boa scarf. 

“Well, The usuals. Gap, Old Navy, Forever21,” he explains as he links his arm with you, his thigh high boots clinking against the floor. 

“Claire’s?” You ask hopefully. He snaps his neck towards you. “NOPE. NO DATEMATE OF MINE IS GETTING ROADHEAD.” 

You squint at him. Hard. 

“Mmkay then.” You shrug and let him bring you to Gap. 

It’s as cold as the dentist but it doesn’t have the ~fun~ sanitary smell. In fact it has the boring sanitary smell, enhanced with old-but-not-vintage clothing smell. Great. You’re getting childhood flashbacks already. 

Sans starts doing the mom thing where he goes ooooh~ and picks up ugly shit on the hanger, turns to you and then tries to see if it fits just by draping it against you and asking “Do you like it? Does it fit?” Said clothing peice happens to be a pink shirt with a embroidered butterfly on it.

“...Sans, this is the tweens girl’s section.” 

“And it looks stunning on you!”

You groan and wander away from him. He makes a noise and hurries after you, heels click clacking all the way. 

“Here. How bout this?” You gesture to the wide array of tshirts, ranging from wonder woman to tweetie bird.

“...THESE ARE JUST SYMBOLS ON SHIRTS!! YOU’D GET THE SAME EXACT THING FROM-“ he shudders in disgust, “HOT TOPIC!!!!!” 

You smirk. “Oh? Hot topic? I thought you would have loved Hot topic!” You sarcastically sass as he scoffs and obnoxiously sips loudly despite the no drinks no food store policy.

“PUH-LEASE! HOT TOPIC IS JUST A CHEAP CAPITALIZATION ON GEEK AND GOTH CULTURE. YOU COULD TELL BECAUSE THE FRONT IS COVERED WITH ANIME MERCH BUT THE BACK IS EMO WONDERLAND!” He ‘educates’ you while you discreetly bring him away from the girls section and towards the adults one.

You stare at a cute pastel sweater as he continues ranting. “IT DOESNT HELP THAT IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY STORE MY BROTHER EVER GOES IN AND ALWAYS HAS TO GET MORE THAN TWO SHIRTS UGH ITS SO INFURIATING, HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE SUPERNATURAL OR THE AVENGERS THAT MUCH AND HE STILL INSISTS ON GETTING 50 BABY GROOT FUNKO POPS!!!”

You conceal your laughter into the nearest clothing rack, completely contaminating the clothes. Good job. 

“Where else does your brother shop? Claire’s?” You snark, smirking. You see the redness rising on his face.

“ITS LIKE HE TRIES TO PISS ME OFF, ALWAYS GOING TO HOT TOPIC AND CLAIRES AND FUCKING MCDONALDS. AS ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF MOTHERS AGAINST ROADHEAD FACEBOOK GROUP, IT SICKENS ME THAT HE EVEN RISKS THE CHANCE FOR-“ he’s interrupted by the Manager walking over.

“Um, ma’am. Please exit the store, you’re screaming a lot.” She says, deadpan. 

Sans huffs and starts striding away. “Fine. Come now, pet~” he purrs. You huff as you run after him before walking beside him.

“....So you’re part of a mom Facebook group?”

“LETS LEAVE NOW.”


End file.
